Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Reclaiming?


I was tempted to title this post..."reclaiming the cunt", inspired by Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues but I know that regardless of my personal perception of the word, I may spark harsh outrage because of someone else's understanding and prevent the message from going out.

Female sexuality....I speak from the perspective of a Vincentian, West Indian, black/black carib, youth-who-grew-up-in-an-era-where-porn-is-the-normal-and-accepted-means-of-educating-oneself-about-that-carnal-pleasure. Not as a therapist, but as a friend that has spoken to my girlfriends and guy friends (never boyfriends) about sexual desires/experiences.

I speak as a woman...I do not dare to speak for women.

WARNING, THIS BLOG POST IS GRAPHIC,if you hadn't realised.

I am convinced more and more that our society and the culture has robbed us (all genders) of the ability to truly and freely embrace who we are as sexual beings. Women are expected to be coy and shy about their cravings for the touch of another (whether it be a caress at the small of your back or the tug of your hair from the man stroking into you doggystyle while you are bent over the couch, where your friends are expected to sit in a couple hours.)

We are to be silent on the numbers that we have racked up in bed partners (or maybe you didn't make it to bed with a few). Let us not forget the same sex yearnings....taboo, outlandish (oh my...were you abused as a child?)

And it is not to say that men are marching with placards displaying the names, times and places of sexual conquests...but no one can deny that the expression of heterosexual male sexuality is more acceptable...easier to digest...simpler for us to remove ourselves from the conversation if we are offended.

Bring on the opposite...let a woman in the company of her peers, smile with relished memories, and nod in the direction of a man, followed by the words..."He moans and likes me to spank his ass when he is cumming" and our political correctness may prevent us from screaming bloody tramp in her face...but it would be the subject of whispered did-you-knows for sometime to come.

This over protection of the expression of what we want has led to repressed women who have never experienced an orgasm, women who are unable to voice the desire to be ravished, women who think that the genitals are part of the domestic duty package and women who simply do not think that there is any pleasure to be had for them in sex.

It has also led to the hush hush on abuse...the fact that your little girl/boy has been touched in her/his special place is not enough for you to pursue justice...rather than protect their future outlook...too many people protect their present image of okayness.
Not to mention the abuse suffered by women...records would show that the areas on a woman's body that is often battered are the parts that represent attractiveness, and sexuality...their faces, breasts and vaginas. Even the verbal abuse between women target those areas, as well, "that ugly bitch", "and she has no ass" etc.

As I looked in horror at the dance thing that occurred in Victoria Park some weeks back and then tonight, SVG TV aired an interview with the principal of SVG Grammar School and he talked about the fact that young women need to respect their bodies...no mention of the young men gyrating in their own fashion or with a girl's legs wrapped around their waists...I forget...the expression of male sexuality, either by themselves or with a female partner is accepted...normal...boys will be boys.

It is not to say that I am against the use of dance to display all manner of emotions and experiences...sexual as well...I have seen at least one well choreographed piece where a sexual act was beautifully portrayed. The difference was the respect and awe with which the act was treated with...it was abrasive and gentle at different moments, reflective of a mature grasp of sexuality. Not the throw-my-ass-into- the-air-with-an-itty-bitty-skirt-on.

God knows I have 'backed it up' more than a few times in my life but never did I do it with the aim of disrespecting my body...neither did my partner ever think that. (I hope). The fact that young women were willing to do this to themselves speaks of a lack of awareness as to who they are as individuals.

Because one of the realities that I have arrived at...is that no matter our assertion as to who we are as women and what we are capable of achieving...there is still a social misconception that our bodies are to be used as flagons of visual lusts...mere vessels holding the ability to quench of male liberties. No matter what is said about women taking over..we are still to men and to ourselves...their pussies. The irony is that even though we have attained the position of sex toy, rarely are we told how to wind ourselves up, how to ensure that we are properly "played" with.

That is another reason why I hesitated at titling this "reclaiming" because I have to wonder if we ever had it at all...and if we ever will. I am not talking about individuals...I have met my share of women who are strong in their sexual desires, and have partners who love this. When will our society see us as equal partners in sexuality? Maybe then, we would see a fall in unwanted pregnancies and AIDS babies, rape, child abuse, and bitchy women who had to endure the humping of a sweaty man the night before.

Imagine, if girls were taught about their genitals from young, the knowledge and awareness increasing as the years pass...child molesters would think twice before reaching out to fondle. Imagine, the happy women who realised that they have a G-spot.

I long for the day that I am able to simply and breathlessly whisper into my man's ear "I want to be fucked...hard" without having to wonder if he would think me 'thirsty' (the colloquial word for a woman who is known to like sex or so I have been told).

Frankly, about two years ago I got over the female lib theories on sexuality...and developed my own. I have been seeking complete comfort (not perfection), which I will describe as the ability to just be me with a guy and let him be himself...no stress, impression, uncertainty or drama, along with all the other trivial and serious elements of attraction.

To be that will allow me to be totally free of inhibitions, because sex is one of the most vulnerable moments that we have in our human experience. My theory is that if I am totally free, then I am open to experiencing what the French call "la petite mort", ecstasy at its greatest peak, womanhood in full bloom.

My theory has remained simply that...a theory...an untested concept...not even a trial run. And the best part is that I am not bothered at all by it. I am presently and peacefully awaiting the day/night that I shall reclaim my cunt.

It will not be blogged about, I will say that much.

3 comments:

  1. Epiphany,I love the tone and idea of this blog.

    However, I think you conflate some issues that may have taken away from the essential point that you are making.

    For instance the issue of sexual violence towards women and girls ought not to have been used in the context of this blog. You stated and I quote "Imagine, if girls were taught about their genitals from young, the knowledge and awareness increasing as the years pass...child molesters would think twice before reaching out to fondle"... Are you implying that had some women been more in control of their sexuality that it would have prevented sexual violence?

    And how does sexual equality within society reduce the incidents of Rape, Aids, child abuse etc?...To me its not a matter of equality but a matter of respect and lack of education. I believe you are confusing "sex" with sexuality in this regard. There is a difference in my opinion. Sexuality is not just about having sex, it is about completely healthy and positive attitude towards your body and towards yourselves. For women a better understanding towards their sexuality leads to a more respectful outlook towards sexual relationship which leads to more pleasurable and safe sexual experiences. And for fear of sounding like Fred Flinstone, this also applies to men.

    In todays Society, there will never be equality between man and woman in the area of sexuality. The quicker you accept that fact; the closer you will get in reclaiming your "cunt". As its not society role to aid you in this venture; rather this is a personal journey that one has to undertake.

    Anyway, I do like the way you think;not many Vincy women think along these lines...well at least those that I knew and know. The younger generation may be less rigid than their older counterparts; but as you alluded to in your blog, they lack the necessary awareness and a "mature grasp of (their) sexuality."

    Let me say as a guy, I love the woman who has reclaim her cunt; as for when she allows you to partake of it,she does so emphatically and unabashedly.

    Whisper in my ears...

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  2. Ok Sadiss, I agree that maybe I didn't link awareness of sexuality to sexual abuse and violence properly in the blog. But they are more connected than you think.

    The silence with which many girls grow up with in relation to their genitals/sexuality is part of the reason why child molesters get away with their acts. If we were taught to treasure our genitals as as means of cherishing our sexuality (the healthy concept that you described), I believe that we would be more vocal when anyone violates it or attempts to.

    If molesters were aware of a greater possibility of being discovered/punished, they may reconsider ever touching a child/women in that manner.

    I have spoken to women who have been raped and they are ashamed...rather than angry at the perpetrator.

    That is why women hush their daughters who complain of abuse and wash the blood away without addressing the issue face to face and pursuing justice.

    We have not been given the voice to command respect for our sexuality and we seem unable to find it ourselves.

    I think that women who are in control of their sexualities are less likely to have unwanted pregnancies/contract STDs or AIDS simply because we will insist on using protection. I have listened to many women, some my own friends, say that they didn't use a condom because 'he' does not like them. Again, this is an example of allowing the societally-accepted male sexuality take dominance over our controlled feminine wiles.

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